Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
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I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU