[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
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aura
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.