Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

A fake ID that makes you younger

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

¯_(ツ)_/¯

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers