*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
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The best shot in the history of golf
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf