Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
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NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
my astrological sign is a french fry
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
