Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
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In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Death certificates are our last participation award.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.