Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?