Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.