Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Just why bro?!
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.