guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
You Might Also Like
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.