Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
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blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out