@ItsAllBollocks

Guy: *slides into my DMs* hi
Me: *opens back door so he slides straight back out* bye

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@VeryLonelyLuke

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

@markedly

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

@markydoodoo

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

@_wangwe

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

@FredTaming

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

@Parkerlawyer

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

@samiam604

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard