@truegritrumble
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
@ItsAllBollocks
Guy: *slides into my DMs* hi
Me: *opens back door so he slides straight back out* bye
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@truegritrumble
@VeryLonelyLuke
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
@markedly
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
@markydoodoo
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
@_wangwe
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
@FredTaming
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
@Parkerlawyer
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
@samiam604
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
@CaptWordbeard
