Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
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All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I hope this email finds you in a well
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay