Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.