Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

We have a winner.

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

I was just discussing this with my cat

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*