Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

Milk Cube

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect