Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.