Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.