GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
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[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?