Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

*plays Rocky theme song*

*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*

*vomits on kitchen floor*

*turns off music*

*cleans kitchen*

my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*

Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

This is the coolest video you will see today.

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*