Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

I only eat vegetarians.

😉😝

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000