Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up

I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

🤫

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”

Me: “Anything?”

*drives to store*

*brings home cupcakes*

*discovers “anything” includes lying*

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”

I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.