Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me

prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

Phonetics

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.