Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?