guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
You Might Also Like
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
the council will decide your fate
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
set yourself free xox
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.