Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.