Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
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If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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