Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

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The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children’s book that teaches us that it’s ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they’re dead.


He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”


Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days


Uber should have a way of showing fare charges while trip is still going on, so you can know when to come down and start trekking


“I’m old.” -everyone over the age of 18


It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.


My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.


Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”


*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.