The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children’s book that teaches us that it’s ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they’re dead.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
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He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Uber should have a way of showing fare charges while trip is still going on, so you can know when to come down and start trekking
“I’m old.” -everyone over the age of 18
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.