Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
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GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
classic mixup
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
getting groceries
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
