Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me: