*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
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I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!