*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
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*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Legend 🤣🤣
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Pikachu found the lost joint
This is my cat’s medicine.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”