Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

[eats all your cotton candy]

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news

me: better than having fox news 😉

doctor: hahahaha 🙂

me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂

doctor: haha give or take

90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Sorry. Not sorry

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them