Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
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So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
This made me chuckle.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
still the best tweet of the year by far
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!