Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
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A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Morning.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter