Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
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Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
How times have changed.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!