Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

She puts the hot in psychotic

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.