*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
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Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
britain’s three elite institutions
tis the season
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]