@macchiatonumb

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

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@TEXASVETERAN

Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.

@JohnnyCrash5

*Eats a Lean Cuisine

*20 minutes go by.

*Devours entire Pizza Hut store…including employees.

@suecorvette

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

@ShortSleeveSuit

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

@sarabellab123

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.

@BoogTweets

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

@philco816

Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .

Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.

Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.

@jonnysun

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”