*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
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When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.