“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
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Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.
*Eats a Lean Cuisine
*20 minutes go by.
*Devours entire Pizza Hut store…including employees.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .
Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.
Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”