Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

The First Farmer

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

#winning

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

*Hears loud noise*

Me: What are y’all doing?

5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.