Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
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I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk