Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
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if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!