Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What are a comedian’s pronouns?

He/he/he

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

Thursday

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.