Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.

They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

i choose….tongue

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.

Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.