GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
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with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
motivation
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Peter Parker Peter Driver
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.