Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

Local Thai place no longer suffering fools

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.