GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
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He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.