Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
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BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I enjoy a good short stor
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Breaking news:
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.