Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
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Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?