Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
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So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
edward fingerhands
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
