Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
You Might Also Like
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
need him
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??