“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
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My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.