“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
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Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars