“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
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*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
