Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give us this day our daily internet validation

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow