Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
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AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Me when I’m ovulating
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed