GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
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mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
How do you like your Corgi?
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself