Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.