GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
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Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce