Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

This forever.

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

this is a sign that you need a union

Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?

*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?