Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*