*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
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Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
If it weren’t for dating sites, I’d still have some self-esteem. Thank God, it’s all gone now.
I just want to make you hot. Mess your hair up. Get your blood flowing. When I chase you around the house over the last piece of pizza.
Those tiny bottles at the liquor store aren’t free samples.
I know that now.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.