Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
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My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.