Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

Don’t snitch tag.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?