Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]

Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….