Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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Check out the legs on this baby
Meanwhile in Canada…
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
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Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once