Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Overindulged this afternoon.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.