Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
You Might Also Like
That time Alicia messaged me
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Pickled cat.
Mood.. 😂
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out