Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
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Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.