Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.