guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
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Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993