Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”