Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

Thinking about Jeff

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Awesome parenting 😂

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.