guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
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Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
The morning after pill, but for tweets
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season