Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

me: hey how much for the dinosaur

guide: that’s a giraffe

me: how much

guide: the animals aren’t for sale

me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much

guide: those are trees

me: [sighs] how much

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

TEETH IS INNOCENT

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think